Pickle
Today I grabbed a jar of pickles from the fridge and imagined myself dropping it. My next thought was to immediately jump off the 6th floor balcony of this hotel I'm staying at, so that I didn't have to deal with spilled pickles. I didn't even almost drop it; I merely imagined I dropped it. What the hell is wrong with me?
I guess I'm just having a rough day. Along with feeling dissatisfied with my productivity, my mood has sunk since last night and hasn't recovered. I even checked my pills to make sure I haven't forgotten to take my Lexapro.
Last night, I called my boyfriend out for tipping a pretty waitress extra when her service was slow. To her defense, she seemed pretty busy and may have had the entire room to wait by herself, but besides that, she wasn't particularly friendly or anything.
It upset me, not because of jealousy (even though I totally caught him checking out her ass), but because some months prior, he talked mad shit about another waitress whose service was also slow. She seemed very forgetful, perhaps as a result of being overwhelmed as well (it was a busy day). He complained during the whole dining experience and didn't tip her in the end, despite the fact that she was apologetic. I shouldn't have let him take the bill. I usually insist on splitting, but he sort of drags me along to diners even though I don't like breakfast, so I felt like it wouldn't be fair if I paid.
Anyway, later in the car, he continued to complain about the waitress and called her "ugly." What the hell? She wasn't particularly attractive, but that was uncalled for. Then he made a comment about how he does tip hot waitresses more (only a dollar more maybe, but hey, it adds up.) When he said that, I felt disgusted by him. I can't believe I'm dating a guy who would think that's acceptable.
Attractive people already have an advantage in life. Why does he think it's acceptable to give them more money over the equally hard-working, less attractive people? Sure, it's his money, but I couldn't stand by those principles. It's gross. He tips them more for the pleasure of staring at their asses. Fucking yuck. Ew, ew, ewww. I can't believe I'm dating someone like that.
He definitely tolerated the slow service more at the second restaurant because the waitress was young and attractive. He refused to admit it and became heated when I called him out, claiming he merely felt bad for her. However, considering his prior behavior and the disdain he felt for the "hideous" waitress at the diner and his constant complaining and threats to not tip, we know what's really going on. It's okay to tolerate slow service and tip extra when the waitress is hot, but not when she's not. Is it fucked that I feel like I should tip "ugly" waiters more now to counter his behavior and level the playing field?
I wish I didn't think about leaving him as often as I do. He's just so goddamn mean, and that fact that he's such a dick makes me a dick to him. His temper is unattractive. There are times when he can be sweet and I love him, but I wonder if I'm only staying because we have a place together? Why am I settling for someone who's such a gross asshole when there are so many kind people out there? Was it a mistake to move in so soon? This isn't the first time I've thought so.
We were planning to get a dog after we get back from this trip. Likely a bad idea. I guess I'll just pretend it's his dog, even if we get it together, and make sure I don't get too attached to it. I'll still enjoy the company of a dog after all.
But I know after this all calms down, I'm just going to forgive him until the next time he acts like a prick. Then the cycle continues.
Perhaps Kayla was right about him.